1.  "Checking in on the Art World"

First Skit- An interview with Ray Roy and his new show "Midnight Snack" (Ray Roy is an effusive giggler like Paul Lind dressed in classic Scottish kilt.  The interviewers are two females who look alike and who are dressed in similar dresses. 

Interviewer One:  "Greetings, Welcome!"

interviewer Two:  "Wonderful outfit!"

Ray Roy:  (giggling) "You won't kick me out if it doesn't touch the floor when I kneel, will you?"

Two Interviewers:  "Cute" & "Astute" (slightly off-sync)

1st Interviewer:  "What can you tell us about your new show 'Midnight Snack'?"

2nd Interviewer:  "Yes, yes, tell us"

RR:   "It's planetary." (giggles)

Both Interviewers:   "like Venus" (off-sync) "Mars, Mars"

RR:   "More like Neptune or Uranus" (pronounced Your anus)

Both I:     "My, my "(off-sync) "Wow, isn't that pronounced 'Ur an us'."

RR:   (giggles) "Colloquial, isn't it?"

Both I:     "So tell us more"  (off-sync) "How many pieces?"   "What materials do you use?"

RR:   "Oh, I use exclusively Hakie Porcelain fired at Cone 007"

Both I:     "Why Cone 007?" (off-sync) "Is that very hot?"

RR:   (giggles) "About hot enough to make brownies."

Interviewer 1:    "Like Betty Crocker?"

RR:   "Yes, yes, you can use an ordinary oven, it's very low-fire...for vivid colors (giggles)...and to preserve the metal parts of the piece."

Interviewer 1:    "You mean there are metal parts too?"

RR:   "Well yes, it's like bead wire (says aside behind his hand) how do you like that Herman Hesse? (giggles)  They make a high-fire wire too but it's too expensive in the quantities I use."

Both I:     "How many pieces?" (off-sync)  "My interest increases."

RR:   "Well, I could make pieces indefinitely since they are based upon great men in history."

Both I:     "Wow" (off-sync) "Holy cow!"

RR:   "No, I haven't done a holy cow yet (aside, behind hand) Sharon Olds likes things that squirt though, (giggling) but I've done Jacque Pervert, the poet."

Both I:     "Isn't that Prevert?"  (off-sync)  "The poet's Prevert."

RR:   Yes, we were going to open a little hamburger stand and call it "L'Oiseau burger...(giggles)..and of course I did Ronald McDonald."

Interviewer 1:    "Well, can you show us a piece?"

RR:   "It's not midnight yet, (giggles)...Sure I've got one right here...inside my designer sheets."

Both I:     "Oh, aren't those wonderful sheets!"  (off-sync)  "The sheets can't be beat."

RR:   "'Heavenly', he calls them...designed by Bob Dildo, the Juarez Borax salesman..."

Both I:     "Now, how could I get a pair of those?" (off-sync)  "Can I see them up close? (reaches out an arm to feel)...high thread count too."

RR:   "Available in the Museum Shop, (giggles...bringing forth the piece to 'Here comes the Bride')

Both Interviewers together:  "Here comes the piece" (sync)  "Here comes the piece"

Both Interviewers:    "Oh my, it's a...

All three:                                         "PORCELAIN Boo-boo!!!"

                    End scene-title reappears

RAY ROY'S "MIDNIGHT SNACK"

SECOND SKIT

(Male Interviewer this time)

I:   "We go now to a tiny workshop located in the barren wasteland behind 'Bingo Bar'...where we find Baby Kaka working upon his latest art project for the upcoming WORLD CLASS PARTS CONTEST."  (Baby Kaka is a fat inert Indian with an Indian carved pipe dangling feathers at the bowl and a long stem)

I:   "And what is it that you are working on, Baby Kaka?"

BK:   "I'm incising the U-joint from a '56 Cadillac."

I:   'Oh how interesting, is that like 'Oracle Bones' and Ritual?"

BK:   "It's for the 'WORLD CLASS PARTS CONTEST."

I:   "But does it have a traditional meaning?"

BK:   "You mean like a totem pole or a teepee?"

I:   "Well yes, I mean does the pattern mean anything? .a story or something?"

BK:   "No, I'm just copying the pattern on this Budweiser can."

I:   "Well,Does anything mean anything to you? I mean why do you call yourself 'Baby Kaka'?"

BK:   "I was so ugly when I was born that my Mom refused to name me.   The social worker, 'Las Vegas', just happened to be in the village that afternoon; so, he called all the Elders to a meeting in Bingo Bar to chose a name for me.  No drinks were to be sold until I was named.  There wasn't a sound in the Bingo Bar.  Well, it went on like that for an hour or two until finally the Chief said "Kaka" and walked out...and I've been Baby Kaka ever since."

(Enters Paula Crawfish, the famous performance artist.)

I:   "What a lucky break to catch you Paula, what brings you here?"

PC:  "Oh, I was just bringing Baby Kaka some stolen Cadillac parts."

I:   (embarrassed) "Well, moving right along...and what have you been up to lately?"

PC:  "I'm giving up performance.my last performance:  "LIAR" was such a success, I can't compete.so I've gone solid state.  I've got a mega battery and I wired eighty five car radios (strategically placed) to it. With one joy stick control lever, I can keep the station settings in the entire valley in a rhythmically oscillating diffraction pattern.  I call it 'Katchina'."

I:   "That sounds very interesting."

PC:  "Actually it sounds very bad."

I:   "I hate to ask where you got the radios..."

PC:  "All stolen from identified 'picks'."

I:   "What's an identified 'pick'?"

PC:  "It's just something you pick."

I:   "Well, you certainly enterprising."

PC:  "I do gigolo work on the weekends....Want to buy an antique?" (Paula reaches into her pocket and pulls out a tiny colored pot and displays it in her hand)

I:   "That's like the Indians used to sell along the side of the highways back in the 50's."

PC:  "Ya, I stole it from the UCLA Anthro Department."

I:   "We go now to SMELL ARTIST, Werner Hairheart.."

I:   "What exactly is this type of art, Mr. Hairheart?"

WH:   "Excuse me, (snort, snort) I'm a smell scientist, sub-phylum, environmentalist.  This is my latest work" (He indicates a chalky white barbecue pit)

I:   "Well it certainly smells, what is it?"

WH:   "It's residuals."

I:   "Residuals of what?"

WH:   "Responsibility!  I'm an environmentalist."

I:   "I don't quite follow your logic, Mr. Hairheart."

WH:   "I have two birds, through no fault of my own, someone gave them to me."

I:   "You mean that the birds made this?"

WH:   "Parakeet guano, and seed shells, the urine makes it 'work'."

I:   "Thank you Mr. Hairheart."

I:   "We go now to Alfred Crock-pot with his new film "The Bats", a sequel to his famous horror film.  In "Bats", filmed by the University of Texas Drama Department, we will see the nude touching scene where Rodney Rock rescues Simone Cigarette from the bats with a plexiglass box so she can sunbathe without nervous anxiety.  The box came cut-rate from Iran on the black market and with only a few scratches which were easily buffed out. (For this dialogue show a shot of one of Francis Bacon's paintings from his "cage" series.)

I:   ""Next week we will interview the exciting 'recreation artist' Oliver Tuna with his latest piece 'Fuselage-Volleyball' and don't forget the MYSTERY ARTS OPEN will be juried next week, third place is a monthly spot in the art magazine of your choice, second prize is a Cabinet seat and first prize has to sleep with Rita Lavelle."

(Short- Monks in a Zendo, in robes, no sound, no motion, after 40 seconds -one monk keels over.  End short.)

'HIGH BROW HAPPY THANKSGIVING'

(This skit has a split-screen with a (Francis Crick- wild hair, ecstatic gestures, elated expression, voice too-singingly unpredictable, white lab coat, etc.)...and a cook (Julia Child) on the other side.  Action begins on one side only then switches to the other side and then continues simultaneously until the end, which is a vertical outside compression squeezing the two into one vertical line and combined sound like a turkey gobbling.)

Francis Crick:  "I'm Crick, Watson's friend, we discovered the structure of DNA, ah, yes, must have been all those lovely London staircases back in my college days, you know, London was such a sweet place for a young scientist.  Yes, it was staircases for me and trains for Einstein...(he wasn't much at parties I hear)  ...but today I want to show you a little something about acceleration. Galileo discovered acceleration, he also discovered Neptune...but back to acceleration....or change of change.  I have a nice model here to demonstrate just how Galileo did it."  (He indicates a long slightly sloping plank of wood and holds up a large medicine ball) " First of all Galileo, unlike Newton, abandoned the search for cause and with a song made measurement of change of change.  ABANDON and SONG were his method." (He sets the medicine ball rolling down the sloping board and begins singing.)  "Propel, propel, propel your Kraft." (Makes a chalk mark on the side of the board at the spot where the ball is)  "Placidly down the solution" (Another mark) "Ecstatic, ecstatic, ecstatic, ecstatic" (Another mark) "Existence is just an illusion". (Another mark)

(Action stops while other side comes to life:  Julia Child (in a kitchen with the usual things)

Julia Child:  "Well, today it's Probability, Arguments, Statements and Properties. This is a cookbook. I can read. Therefore, I can find a recipe for steamed kumquats. This argument addresses the properties of the cookbook and the statement is false. The epistemological discursion upon kumquats may reside within or beyond the scope of this book or more problematically, the index and table of contents (here) deal exclusively with an earlier edition with larger pages but containing the same material in slightly different places.yes, same material in slightly different places or virtually buried among millions of wonderful recipes. Now the ontological understanding of an experienced cook in regard to her materials allows a certain leverage freehand but the terrible tautology of kitchen fraud makes it desirable to employ  a recipe even of chance rather that none at all in the determination of the probability of successful cooking.   So. today we shall cook" (flips book open at random)  ".ROASTED NOODLES. Chance not Choice. Roasted noodles are far superior to the standard American Chow Mien. (At this point both sides are broadcasting simultaneously.  Crick repeats his singing measurement of the ball rolling down the board and Julia Child continues...")

Julia Child:  "bring three quarts of water to a boil, adding one half teaspoon peanut oil, separate the noodles as you drop them into the boiling water.  This keeps them from sticking to each other.  Let the water return to a boil and boil for three minutes.  Pour peanut oil onto a baking pan 8" X 12" or larger if you have one handy... etc."

(As the two continue simultaneously allow the volume the rise and from both sides compress the picture into the center until all that remains is a single vertical line and the sound of a turkey gobbling. Then crashes down from above a title (with a CLACK sound)

Title says:"POE"

(CLACK sound continues, scene changes to a second grade class room where a teacher is clacking two sticks together, she clacks one final time and sits down.  The students sit in desks alert and one child walks to the front of the class as if to deliver a report and when in front of the class, composes herself and says, "TOILET PAPER".  The class responds with laughter.    She returns to her seat and another student goes up front and says:  "Swan sunglasses".  Third kid:  "Tadpole".  Fourth student:  "Polyurethane".  Fifth:  "Oyster".  Sixth:  "Tofu".

CUT

(Comes back to same classroom.  Each student sits in place with a cookie and an apple on his desk and with hands in lap.  All recite together:

"Indefatigable food

Fairly felicitous

Follows me all the days of my life.                          
(And they begin eating)

                    CUT

(To hip looking adult and kids)

Adult:  "What does it mean?"

1st kid:  "You are what you eat."

2nd kid:  "Like, you should read good books and all."

                    CUT

(To smoky bar, Willie Nelson's song "Take all of Me" playing.  Five people sit at bar, one bartender...bartender continues to deliver drinks as one by one patrons fall off of stools unnoticed by anyone...finally bartender passes out and a live turkey waddles thru debris.)

Four girls squealing and whooping wrapped in American flags like as in bath towels from a shower run through the bar (Willie Nelson still playing)

                             CUT

(To a motel maid sorting thru bottles (like a wall in front of her).  Bottles are labeled "Acid", "Dust", "Dolor", "Silicate", "Fast-Forward" "ET".  The maid fills up her pushcart and enters a motel room and especially into the bathroom, takes feather duster and dusts the mirror and begins to clean the toilet bowl.  -Side view- reaches into toilet and pulls out a frog and then another.  Maid continues unperturbed as frogs jump around.)

                             CUT

(Back to maid entering bathroom...this time mushrooms are growing out of linoleum all around the toilet.  Unsurprised she plucks the mushrooms and puts them in a box on the cart which is now revealed to have the label:  "Town Hauser")

                             CUT

ET:  "Ionian"  (An Ionian capital is shown.)

One of the second graders:  "Corinthian"  (And a Corinthian capital is shown)

Two of the bar flies say:  "Doric"  (and pass out, off of their barstools- a Doric capital is shown).

Then a picture of the enclosed sculpture is shown and an ordinary voice says:  "Open the Hal door, Pod."

                             END

ZEN KOAN

(Two scientists together, shown from the waist up)

First scientist:  "What tastes the soup, the tongue or the spoon?"

(Camera lowers to show a tongue [disconnected] and a spoon, each wired ___to a needle.  Steaming soup is pored over.)

ANOTHER

Dialogue: 

Dwarf or Midget:  "Aren't you the one with the wart on her knee?"

Tall girl:  "You've got me mixed up with Sylvia Plath."

Dwarf:  "Aren't you the one with the wart on her knee?"

Tall girl:  "No, it's on the bottom of my foot..... Aren't you the one who went to Smith College?"

Dwarf:  (cannot reply, looks confused)

NEXT

(a mirror and a target face one another, after 40 seconds an arrow flies out of the mirror and into the bullseye of the target)

VOYEUR

Mobster-dressed character, long dark coat, on a city street stopping pedestrians to show them the cover of a Thurber book-hidden inside coat-exhibitionist style.  Pedestrian shrieks and runs away down street.  Same happens with another pedestrian.  "BOO"s are heard and lamb-sized Airedales rain down from above knocking the gangster down.  (If Airedale props are too hard to come by...alternative is:  a real Airedale comes on stage and bites the mobster.)

ART THERAPY

ONE by JUDY-ELLEN

A group of persons dressed like women from the waist down and like Klu Klux Klan members from the waist up surround the subject (who holds a brush and contemplates a still life, with easel etc.)  Suddenly subject clutches throat, gasps for breath, falls to ground and expires.

TWO by LISA GILLESPIE

A sexy woman in a white lab coat fastens a dwarf into a rope basket soothing him and proceeding against his protesting.  When dwarf is secured in basket, dwarf is lowered into pit of synchronized "waving" chorus legs.  Dwarf displays pleasure "Oohing" and "AAhing" while attendants in white suits look down from above pit.  Scene fades into Renaissances ceiling painting (enclosed).

THREE by CINDY MAY/ JEAN-JEAN/ LINDA LARIME/ & KAREN RAPP (2X)

Scene one:  Cindy May pushes a tiny pencil and paper into a cage containing a mouse, then begins hammering a nail into a board next to the cage.  She looks into the cage after each hammer fall.

Scene two:  Scene one repeated plus Jean-Jean runs in and photographs

Scene three:  Scene one and two plus Linda Laramie runs in with movie camera and films the whole scene.

Scene four:  Scene one, two & three plus Karen Rapp says:  "That's not original." and all face audience, squat, touch fingers to ground and stand, and touch fingers to mouths and smile falling to ground.  Second Karen Rapp enters and looks around and says:  "That's not original."

FOUR by MARK ADELE

Clip one:  two persons pass on a city street, at moment of passing, edit film to change one of persons into some other person (such as thin to fat, etc)

Clip two:  same but change sex of passing person.

Clip three:  same but changes into Old English sheepdog.

Clip four:  same but changes into file cabinet.

Last frame:   still of Old English sheep dog.

END